What is Sexual Empathy?
Communicating with our partners can sometimes be a challenging experience, so what does that mean for sharing some of our most intimate needs? Sharing our sexual needs with our partners, for many, can feel risky and unfamiliar.
Expressing one’s sexual needs can trigger feelings of anxiety, shame and even judgment. We may fear how our partners may respond or how they may begin to view us differently as people. We might worry our fantasies will define us, be seen as unusual or deviant, or even scare our partners away. Will we be perceived as less desirable as a partner and lover? Will our needs be validated or seen as “too needy or excessive.” So, how do we begin to create space to explore our sexual needs together with our partners?
The Importance of Sexual Empathy
Sexual empathy involves the willingness to try and understand another individual’s experience and perception as being different than your own, sexually speaking. According to Dr. Tammy Nelson (2008) Sexual Empathy “means trying to understand how another person might want something different sexually than what we want.” Perception plays a crucial role in empathy. When we remain open and curious to exploring our partner’s sexual world, we can create deeper empathy and understanding of our partners as individuals with different likes, dislikes, fantasies, etc.
How Does it Lead to Intimacy, Both Emotional and Sexual?
Sexual empathy has copious benefits that lead to deeper intimacy and promote long term relationship happiness. Nelson writes that “sexual empathy leads to improved communication and sexual generosity.” When sexual empathy is present it creates space for partners to share and explore their desires and fantasies, allowing for increased likelihood of those sexual needs being met. Increased sexual empathy also leads to safety and vulnerability in relationships. This allows for increased authenticity, risk taking, exploration of thoughts, feelings, desires, and for partners to develop a deeper understanding of one another. According to Nelson, when partners work together for increased sexual empathy, it can reduce infidelity, help develop trust, and increase “energy and loving feelings between partners, and it improves communication, sexual safety, and respect in the relationship.”
What are the Benefits of Talking About Sex?
Communicating about sex can have a dramatically positive impact on our relationship with our partners. According to Nelson, talking about sex in a way that helps us feel safe and understood allows us to “reconnect sexually and improve our intimacy” and work towards “creating long-term, passionate partnerships.” Talking about sex with our partner while having sexual empathy, allows space to share more about our fantasies, likes and dislikes, desires, etc. leading to more passion, connection, and a more loving partnership.
Nelson, T. (2008). Getting the Sex You Want. Quiver.